Love in Disguise

A few people encouraged me to write about the journey I've been on over the past year or so. When I saw that Real Simple had an essay contest, I thought it would be a perfect way for me to write the story of God's deep and abiding love. The question was, "when did you first understand the meaning of love?. It could not of been a more fitting topic! Although I did not win (I mean I wasn't really expecting to), I believe that someone needs to hear my story of struggling through depression and making it to the other side with the help of God, supportive family and friends. It is a humbling thing to share about struggles however, I believe that as believers, we are called to be transparent and real in order to bring glory to God and share the beautiful picture of the gospel in our lives. *Also, if anyone is struggling with depression, please don't keep silent. Talk with a trusted friend, family member or counselor and don't hesitate to contact me either (elizacharper@gmail.com)!

       The challenge seemed daunting – one mile of stairs on a steep incline. I was not quite sure what I had gotten myself into, but I only knew that there was no turning back. The climb was called The Incline in Manitou Springs, Colorado. Although it might sound minor to some Olympian, for Eliza Harper it was a huge undertaking.

            About a third of the way up, I began to panic. Not only had I lost sight of the girls who were ahead of me, but I felt I could not climb any longer. Fear overcame me;  I felt stuck. Turning around seemed to be just as dangerous as continuing up. There was no way out; I felt alone and hopeless, as if no one loved me.

            Silly, right? It was only a climb. I could call for help, and one of my friends or a good Samaritan would help me finish the climb. Sadly, I was not able to see past what was right in front of me. In fact, this was not the first time I had felt these strong emotions of loneliness, hopelessness, and despair.

            Only four months prior to the climb, I was engulfed in darkness. I could not seem to see past it; I felt trapped.  How could a person get to this point? Surely, they must have been living with guilt or had undergone a tragic event but this was not the case for me.

            Although there had been a few upsets in my life, I have always had a huge support system. Even when my parents got divorced in middle school I was able to see the good in the trial. I knew God loved me infinitely; my family would support me; my friends would be there through thick and thin. Additionally, I was at my peak in life. I was about to enter my senior year of college. Usually it is an exciting time, but regrettably that was not the case for me.

            I was at my “wits end” after an exhausting summer and the constant questioning of what my five year plan entailed. Quickly I lost interest in all my favorite things in life. Joy was suddenly an unfamiliar word.

            Finally, I decided it was time to see the doctor. I do not think I was quite ready for the diagnosis that was given. Depression? Really? That was what I was going to school for…to help those who are depressed and not mentally stable. There is no way I am depressed. My mom tells me I have a quiet stubbornness about me. From the outside, no one would ever know; on the inside, my heart is prideful, and I have a tough time taking heed of needed counsel.

            I left the doctor’s office that day with a prescription for an anti-depressant  and with an admonition to slow down and rest. Little did my doctor know that it would take much more convincing to break my stubbornness and listen to his advice. Little did I know that God was about to teach me the greatest lesson about love and grace through a difficult trial.

            Needless to say, I returned to college without taking the medicine or listening to my doctor’s advice. I immediately began my job as a Resident Assistant for the second year. It did not take long for me to realize that I was far from being able to lead a whole hall of girls when I could hardly take care of myself. I had reached my breaking point.

            I called my mom one night after a tough day and told her I could not do it any longer. I could not lead, and I could hardly get through the day. Scared out of her mind, she called our doctor and made sure my blood results had come back clear. Shortly after, he called back with a new finding: my mono had returned.

            After the bad news, it did not take me long to approach my Resident Director and tell her I could no longer be a Resident Assistant. To my surprise, she was not disappointed but rather sympathetic and agreed that stepping down would be the best option.

            Now, I kept asking myself, why was everyone so gracious to me? I keep disappointing people and yet they keep giving me grace and love that I do not deserve. So, I began to take matters into my own hands. Instead of accepting the love and grace, I shut it out. I began to allow lies to seep into my life. I was disgusted with myself and was sure that everyone else was too.

            Before long, those around me began to see my personality change. I was sleeping more than 10 hours at night in addition to multiple naps during the day. Every time my friends would invite me somewhere I would decline. In addition, my boyfriend dumped me. The fog seemed so thick, I could not see any light.

            I decided it was time to at least try the anti-depressant. What did I have to lose? It was my last resort.  I began to take the medicine my doctor had prescribed. Unfortunately, the side effects were strong, and I was not willing to wait for it to level out. I took matters into my own hands and stopped my medicine abruptly­–the worst thing I could have done.

             I was spiraling down into the rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland with no hope, utter darkness, and despair. There was only one thing left to do ­– overdose.

             I contemplated it for a couple of days. It seemed to be the only way to ease the pain and misery. No one would miss me; if anything it would free everyone from all the worry and heartache I was causing.

            One September evening, I decided it was the night to end everything. I was sitting in my car after having a mild panic attack and was convinced I was going to take my life. Then I heard the phone ring. I was about to press the ignore button, but it was too late.  Kathryn was calling me, and I knew I had to pick up.

            Kathryn was one of the sweetest ladies I had ever met. She too had once struggled with depression. The minute I told her I was struggling, she was by my side. She would skype me every week to see how I was doing and faithfully prayed for me. God used her in a huge way in my life.

            I suppose the reason I picked up was out of mere curiosity. She wasn’t supposed to call me that night, and I had to know why she decided to call. It was a divine intervention, not a coincidence, that she called.

            “How are doing tonight, Eliza?” said Kathryn in her sweet tone. “Oh, I’m fine,” I said hoping she wouldn’t hear the pain in my voice. “No, how are you really doing?” she asked persistently.

            It was at that point that I knew I had to tell her everything. I had to tell her that I had contemplated suicide. I had to tell her that I was not okay and needed help. This was no coincidence; it was a sovereign act of God Almighty for her to call me so unexpectedly. I finally saw His face through the fog.

            With the help of Kathryn, I finally called my mom and told her that I had contemplated suicide. She immediately came to school and took me home. The next couple of months were some of the hardest and most painful months of my life. I had to withdraw from school, go to counseling once a week, and finally admit that I needed help.

            Nevertheless, if I had not gone through this trial, I never would  have understood the depth of love. I once heard a saying that “not everything that is good looks good, tastes good and feels good.” If I would have known the heartache and pain I would have to experience, I would have told God to choose something different. However, if that is what it took for me to know God’s love and my family’s love in a deeper way, it was worth it all.

            I finally made it up the Incline and I believe the same could be said after that difficult climb. It was tough. At times I felt like giving up but I did it with the help of God and those around me. I thought I had a good grasp on love, but I realized that sometimes it is in disguise and takes pain to understand its depths.

            

Wait, you are engaged?

I'm not so good at this blogging thing. In case you didn't know, I'm engaged.:) And, I have an awesome slideshow of pics taken by the awesome Kelsey Tice Photography. Her info is below! Enjoy the slideshow!

Kelsey Tice Photography

www.kelseytice.com

kelsey@kelseytice.com

Song: Steal away by Jimmy Needham

The training wheels are off!

    Do you remember when you first learned to ride a bike? How about when your parents decided it was time to take the training wheels off and you had to learn to ride like a big kid? I remember that day quite vividly. My mom put the huge responsibility into my dads hands. I was about 5 or 6 at the time and was quite confident in riding with my training wheels. A part of me wanted to take them off but a huge part of me wanted to keep them on. After all, I could ride my bike with no hands with those puppies on!

    Finally, my dad began to take the training wheels off. He kept reassuring me that he would make sure I didn't fall and that I would be riding like a champ in no time. You can probably imagine what happened next. There I am, little blonde-bobbed-hair Liza crying on the pavement. Yes, gravity does have a way of getting a hold of you and the second my Dad let me go, I crashed.

    Of course my dad felt terrible and was struggling to come up with a way to rebuild my confidence. Next thing I know, he had put one training wheel back on and left the other one off. It was the perfect solution-just ride with one training wheel. Fail. I believe I crashed even harder the second time (okay so I don't remember all the details but enough). At this point, I thought I would be the only grown adult with training wheels on my bike.

    Never fear, I am 22 and do not ride my bike with training wheels (I can be quite dramatic at times...I think I missed my calling in life). Finally, my dad pushed me off and I didn't crash! And boy, did I love riding my bike; it was my new BFF.

No, this is not me but I thought this was presh!:)

   I would be lying if I said moving out to Colorado has been all roses. Has it been nice to see Jordan on a regular basis? Absolutely. Do I love the mountains and my new apartment? You bet I do. Is growing up hard? Hard is an understatement. Moving out to CO for the second time has felt a lot like it did when I took those training wheels off. It is not very comfortable. It is hard to be away from family and life long friends. Not to mention it is tough learning how to finance your money (I am learning to embrace Dave Ramsey).

  I think the hardest part is "feeling" like I don't have a community. When I went Liberty, I was surrounded by thousands of college students my age. Likewise, when I went to FLI , I met awesome people who I took classes with, did an internship with and lived with. However, when you move somewhere without having a guaranteed community, it is very different.

  Thankfully, I can always have confidence in God and His word. He has brought me comfort, security and assurance on days when I've doubted why I moved here. A decision made in faith has to be carried out in faith. I have seen God's faithfulness in providing my rent (to the dollar) the day before my rent was due, allowing me to become a part of Bible Study Fellowship and having Jordan and my roommates here to encourage me to cling to God's promises. I have food, shelter and clothing. I am abundantly blessed!

  Getting on that bike without training wheels was scary but boy, I am glad I took the risk. Mema sent me a excerpt before I moved that sums it all up, "When you're in a moment that has the potential to alter your future, trust God, step out in faith and move forward. Don't let your dream die inside you because of the risk involved. With God, risk is the bridge that gets you to where He wants you to be."

Change

Change–you do it everyday. You change your clothes, hair style (maybe), diapers, what you eat, the channel you are watching on T.V....you get the picture. Not only are we constantly changing but we are being bombarded with the promise of change. Do you ever use a word so much that it starts to look funny? That just happened to me...sorry, I am a little ADD.:)  Promise of change in the government, a city, a church, a relationship, just to name a few.

It seems to me that (and many of my friends) the college years are years of many changes. I personally have experienced a lot in 2010-2011. Many of those changes I was not anticipating according to Eliza's little planner (which I might as well throw out). However, they were necessary ones to make. In case you weren't aware, in the past year I have:

1. Left LU due to medical reasons
2. Moved back to Jax
3. Got a job with Brighton
3. Moved to Colorado Springs to do FLI
4. Moved back to Jax
5. Started dating Jordan
5. Started back at Brighton
6. Applied to finish school online (with LU)
7. Decided to move back to Colorado Springs in October
8. Will start and finish the 15 credits I have left in October
9. Transfer to the Brighton in Colorado

If you have been a little confused about where I am and what I am doing, it is ok because I have been too. Ironically, I thought that I would go to LU, finish, and start a job (possibly grad school). I mean, that is what our society tells us we are supposed to be doing at the age of 22. But is that really a mandate? Whose rules am I living by anyway?

Don't get me wrong, school is important. However, I am so thankful now for all the changes that have gone contrary to my plans. God has taught me a simple yet important lesson that HE directs my path. Not Eliza Harper. Gulp. Swallow pride. 


After a lot of prayer and counsel, I decided that God is calling me back to Colorado. When Jordan and my future roomies approached me with the idea, I didn't think it would be possible. I thought I was supposed to stay in Jacksonville until at least next summer. However, I knew my answer had to be yes to where ever God was calling me and that I must ask in faith knowing that He will answer.

God sure did answer! Within a week, Brighton agreed that they would transfer me to CO, I had roomies, and a set date to move out to Colorado (October 8th). I wish that Colorado and Florida could be neighboring states. I will miss my family and friends here immensely (also the south and water). Nevertheless, I know that I was called to go in faith.

Everyone and everything is constantly changing but it brings me comfort to know that God never changes. What a blessing!
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."- James 1:17

The most dangerous thing I could do...

It has been a blessing to be a part of a small group (we call it a gospel centered group) on Tuesday nights. This past week was only my second week but God has already begun to work in my heart through the scripture we have been studying.

This week, we discussed the judgment of God in Zephaniah 1 & 2. I'll be honest and tell you that #1, I have never studied Zephaniah and #2 it is hard for me to grasp the judgment of God. However, you cannot understand God's love and grace without God's law. By God giving us His law, He is gracious and loving.

In Zephaniah 1 God says,
 ⁴" And I will stretch out my hand upon Judah, and upon all the inhabitants of Jerusalem; and I will cut off the remnant of Baal from this place, and the name of the Chemarim with the priests;    ⁵ and them that worship the host of heaven upon the housetops; and them that worship, that swear to Jehovah and swear by Malcam;
   ⁶ and them that are turned back from following Jehovah; and those that have not sought Jehovah, nor inquired after him."
 Phew! Those are some pretty hard words to swallow. When we read this passage, our group talked about the saying that "God hates the sin but loves the sinner". However, after studying this passage can we say that is true? It seems to me that God hates the sin and the sinner. God is righteous and glorious. The fact is that a person won't understand grace until they understand their need for grace. 

Zephaniah 1:10-13 was what really struck me though. It says,

"On that day," declares the LORD,
   "a cry will be heard from^(T) the Fish Gate,
^(U) a wail from^(V) the Second Quarter,
   a loud crash from the hills.
^11(W) Wail, O inhabitants of the Mortar!
   For all the traders^[c] are no more;
   all who weigh out silver are cut off.
¹²At that time^(X) I will search Jerusalem with lamps,
   and I will punish the men
^(Y) who are complacent,^{[d]
   (Z)} those who say in their hearts,
'The LORD will not do good,
   nor will he do ill.'
¹³Their goods shall be^(AA) plundered,
   and their houses laid waste.
^(AB) Though they build houses,
   they shall not inhabit them;
^(AC) though they plant vineyards,
   they shall not drink wine from them."

He will punish people who are complacent  and those who say in their hearts, The LORD will not do good nor will he do ill. As a believer, we should continually be striving to conform more into the image of Christ. This does not mean we will reach perfection. At the end of Paul's life, he still claimed to be the "chief of all sinners". However, each day we should continually strive to be more like Christ (with His grace and help), refusing to be complacent.


The most dangerous thing that I could do is fall into complacency and rob God of the glory He deserves. It is a daily battle but should be one that I continually fight with God's help. At the end of our GCG, we were left with the statement, "If I didn't have __________ I wouldn't be content". What would fill that blank in your life? Can you be content in Christ alone or have idols formed in your heart that have caused you to fall into complacency?

Fav Friday

I thought I would branch out of my blog box and share a few of my fav things as of lately...


10. My new IPhone. Yes, I caved and got one. I'm not gonna lie...it is the bomb and was well worth the money spent!

9. Instagram. This Iphone app will rock your world if you are into taking pics on the digi. Actually, forget the digi...after discovering this app on my phone I hardly ever use my other camera. 


8. The Voice. This show aired in the Spring and its now one of my favs! The talent for the first season was remarkable. 

7. Pinterst. Thanks to my dear friend, Kels, I was introduced to pinterest. If you don't know about it, you need to. It is basically like a series of virtual corkboards of cool pictures, do yourself crafts and much more. I've already used several ideas on here. If you want to join this awesome site, let me know and I'll send you an invite!


6. Real Simple Magazine. I was introduced to Real Simple a couple years ago thanks to my friend, Hannah Swanson. I just love when the new one comes out! I believe my dream job would be to work for them. :)

5. St. Augustine. I rediscovered my love for St. Auggie when Jordan came in town. The history, shops and seafood are all wonderful! 

4. Sending packages/ letters and cards. I know one of my fav things is receiving packages and letters. However, even more than receiving...I love sending them! :)

3. Having all my friends back in J-ville! Brit and Kels are back from LU, Han just came back from Africa, Towny graduated and all of my other j-ville friends are here too. It was been such a blessing spending time with them! I'm so thankful for each one of them and the impact they have made on me over the years. ( Just wish Rach Dee and Rachel Stimler would move back!) 

2. Family coming to visit. Chad, Tina, Aunt Sassy and Hannah came down last weekend. It was so fun to catch up and of course to see sweet Hannah!

1. Ocean Isle Beach. It wasn't until recent years that I realized how rare and precious it is to be able to go to OIB every year with my family. I haven't missed a year since I was born! My grandparents always rent out a house for all of us and we have a blast. The highlights every year are relaxing, going out to eat at night, putt-putt (boys vs. girls) and Calabash Creamery (the best ice cream ever). I'm so thankful for Mema and D-daddy renting a house every summer for us!

Timing is everything

A Kansas boy. Never in a million years did I see myself dating a Kansas boy. As a matter of fact, I never saw myself dating an Air Force boy. God always has an unique way of bringing two people together and for Jordan and me, it was no different.

As many of you already know, Jordan and I met in Colorado Springs when I was out there attending Focus Leadership Institute. Ironically, he was not attending FLI but was at the Air Force Academy that happened to be 5 minutes away from our apartment. Jordan's best friend, Caleb started coming over to my neighbors/friends apartment because his roommates (Dan) girlfriend (Aimee...a dear friend) invited him over. After coming over a couple of times, Caleb went back and told Jordan, " you have to come over to Aimee's apartment...there are 8 beautiful Christian girls there and I have never seen anything like it...and they actually listen to me when I go on and on about space".  Naturally, it didn't take long for Jordan to come over.:)

So that is how we met. Jordan, Caleb, Dan and a couple other AFA guys would come over just about every weekend. We would make dinner, play games and look at nerdy space stuff. We always had such a great time hanging out.

Then, it came time to start asking girls to the AFA Ring Dance. Little did I know that being able to attend Ring Dance was a pretty big deal. I also didn't realize that Jordan had been waiting to ask me for a few weeks. He says I was intimidating which I think is crazy!

Finally, he called me before he left for Spring Break. After an hour long conversation, he asked me.:)  I came back at the end of May for the Ring Dance and along with some of my other friends who went as well. We all had a BLAST! Prior to Ring Dance, I began to pray that God would make it clear in my heart and in Jordan's as to if we should date. For the first time, I was more concerned about hurting the guys heart than anything else. The minute I saw him in the airport, I knew and had a complete peace that Jordan would lead me towards Christ and that I could trust him and allow him to pursue me.

That weekend it was evident that we both wanted more than a friendship. Although we knew long distance would be difficult, we knew it would be worth it. Jordan has far exceeded my expectations. His love for the Lord, faithfulness, hard work ethic and deep country roots are just a few things that I love about him. :)

Through my relationship with Jordan, God has reminded me that His timing is perfect. Jordan and I both know that our meeting was not luck or coincidence but rather the grace of God and His perfect sovereignty. I believe Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes 3:11 have been displayed in our lives in the past few months, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end". 

Here are some pictures of Jordan's first visit to FL in July.:)

In St. Augustine at the Fort

Jordan, my mom and me

 Jordan and me at the Shuttle Launch